I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
