we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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