He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
