Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize