i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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