well I can't set my house on fire every night
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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