I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
