I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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