If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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