how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
