is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
