I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
