You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
