had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
