you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
