does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
