Your tits are I can't wait for
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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