so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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