Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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