Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
