We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize