You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Randomize
