Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
