I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
