in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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