i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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