my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
