the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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