I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
