my phone needs a breathalizer
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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