my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
