Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
