i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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