I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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