Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
