I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
