I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
