You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
