This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
