one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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