areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
