No awkward lesbian experiences without me
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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