chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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