So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I am spending my child support on dildos
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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