I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
