he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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