if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
