I've blown a few things in my day
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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