Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
