She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
