Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
