you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
