Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
