I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
