Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
