if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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