You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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