I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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