you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
