woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
