Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Even my vagina gasped.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
