I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
