did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
