I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize