I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
