Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
