i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
