im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
