In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
