I was born with a shot glass in my hand
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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