I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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