plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
