I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize