So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
